I love you so much, but I’m stuck in the hardest situation in my life so far. I want to, but I can’t. I’m being torn apart. I feel like I’m being suffocated. I can’t think, I can’t eat, I can’t breath or be happy without you. Everything reminds me of you. There isn’t a day that goes by where I dont think of you & what we had. I miss it, but most of all, I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. I wish you didn’t do what you did, Because we would have still been together, I would have taken you back, with no problem, but.. You told my mom everything, & now she forbids me to see you, or date you anymore. And that hurts so much.. I cry everyday, in school and at home. I cry myself to sleep. I have dreams about you, & I wake up in the middle of the night, from choking because I can’t breath. Trust me, how you feel, I understand, but everything is like 10 times worse for me.. Because my mom now knows everything, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.. I don’t care what you did though, or what you will do, Because I always told you I’d love you with all my heart no matter what happens, and that’s the truth, I also said I’d always care for you & I’d always be here for you whenever you need me, for anything. And that’s also the truth. You mean the world to me. Nobody will ever compare to you, & our relationship. You not wanting to be friends, hurts. It paralyzes me, And it puts my mind in another place, filled with nothing but fear and depression. It’s so hard to understand, and explain. I just.. I can’t take all of this anymore. I’m so confused and hurt. I’m lonely, and depressed. I want you to be happy, but because of what you did it will be hard for either of us to be. But I hope you’re okay soon, I honestly don’t even care about how things turn out for me, I only care about how you’ll turn out. Because I love you. I love you sooooo fucking much. I love you i love you i love you iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou I LOVE YOU. I can’t even finish typing. I have to stop, I’ll break down like I did in school again. I love you, byebye. <3
I fucking hate this. Every single relationship is shit for me, no mater how happy I try to be. It’s like, I’m either stressed or scared. Or worried about everything, like I always am. Whenever I get mad at something, someone always makes me feel bad about it. There’s ALWAYS someone that wants to see me cry. I didn’t want it to be you either. From my past relationship I thought, it can only get better some how, But that didn’t happen. You took advantage of me, you hurt me, & you pushed me away. It really took a break-up to make you change? I’d rather have you stay the way you were with someone else. Instead of “trying” to change for me. You can go ahead and tell anyone anything you want. I know what the truth is, so you can believe all your little pussy friends if you want. I don’t care. & Yes, Last night I did get high, & I did drink until It tasted like water. I did things I can’t even remember. I kissed one of my best friends. So what? Why does it matter to you now? When before, all you did was call me names and push me away, & treat me like shit in front of everyone. You can make fun of my cutting problem, & anything else that’s wrong with me, but it won’t make anything better, no matter how hard I try.. It stays a problem, & nothing can stop it. Although I wished you would stop sending me the hurtful texts, & then apologizing, if you didn’t. . I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. None of it even matters. I just hope that whoever comes into my life next isn’t like you, & they don’t push me away, & fill my heart with broken promises. I hope your happy, because you caused me so much pain and so much more stress to deal with that I really don’t know what I’m going to do. Yes, I’m over you, I don’t need you, But I need help, dealing with what you left behind. Because you completely shattered my heart. I swear to god, there is no fixing that, it was crushed before you & after trying to mend it, you did more damage. But, i’m sure you’ll find someone more suitible to your likings, & i hope that you’re happy without me. I hope you realize what the fuck you did to me one day, but watch that day be too late. I wish I could make sense right now, but I’m still fucked up, & everything is just pouring out. You probably think i’m okay, and i’m all happy. But i’m not. Last night, I drank & smoked to forget about it all, everything you said, & how you treated me. & I’m glad it all went for a couple hours, because I had fun with the people I was with. I stumbled as I walked, not a thought about you, until i came home to an empty bed with a broken heart. I cried myself to sleep. But it’s weird, because I really don’t need you, You just stressed me out so much. That i can’t take even just the thought of my heart hurting anymore than it does already. The thoughts, the actions, everything. It hurts. But i’m glad I left you, There won’t be any new hurt feelings. I just. Whatever. I have who I have and i’m happy with them, at least they know how to keep my mind off of you, and they can truthfully keep me happy. Ugh i need to stop. I can’t keep thinking of this. I promised someone important i wouldn’t self harm, but you make it hard. I’m just going to go. I’m going to just, do whatever I want. Because i can, i’m not in a relationship with you anymore. And that’s another things you have to remember. Alright I need to stop. Bye.
What the fuck. Do you not get the hints that I’m NOT okay? Do you not get that I want to motherfucking talk to you? I guess not, since you can’t even tell me you love me back when I say it. Mannnnnnnn, I hate that shit. You love me soooo fucking much when you know I’m mad at you but when you have no clue, you don’t care. At least that’s how I feel. Fuck man, I hate feeling like this. Feeling like I don’t have anyone. I wish you’d understand..
👍💗💙💚❤💛😘😊😍my bbg <3 she’s one of the 3 people that complete me. <3
Dear Ruben,
There’s so much that I need to let out, but I just don’t know how. So I’m going to try my best. I’m sorry if all my thoughts are mixed & out of order, I’ll be typing the first thing that comes to mind as I type. But yeah, here I go.
I love you, I truly, truly love you. With every fiber of my being, more than anything. & I also love the fact that I can honestly say that. I think about you, more than you would think. You’re always on my mind, I always wonder things like: “Is he thinking of me, like I’m thinking of him?” or, “What’s he doing?” and “Is he alright, I miss him.” & it’s new to me, because I’ve never thought of someone so much. And honestly, I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you. Words can’t even come close to how much I love you Ruben.
You opened my eyes in so many different ways. You saved me, I hope you know that. I can’t remember if I’ve told you that before or not, but you did. Everyone knows that I have, just about the lowest self-esteem. Well, at least I used to. When I met you, I was so depressed. There were 3O+ cuts on my arms. But, you changed me. Just talking to you, for the first time, put the biggest smile on my face. So many things that were going through my mind at the time, just..faded away. When we talked more, I was happier. My mom even noticed, & she knew it was because of you. But anyways, you made me so happy, & you still make me happy.
It wasn’t before long that I liked you. And soon after that, I was head over heals in love with you. That’s never happened to me. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never truly known the meaning of love, until now. I swear Ruben, I’ve never thought about my future with someone until I met you.
I mean, come on. Look at how perfect you are. Everything about you is just so dreamy. You’re really everything i’ve wanted in a guy. <3 I love you so much, & I would never do anything to hurt you. I know what I did, but I swear to you, nothing like that will ever happen again. Seeing that I hurt you like I did, crushed me. I hurt the love of my life. That should have never happened, but it’ll never ever happen again. I swear to you, I will never do anything to hurt you, that was my first & last mistake. I love you so much Ruben, I can’t lose you. I want to be with you for the rest of my fucking life. I want to marry you. I want to live with you, & do whatever the fuck WE want because we’d be able to. & (; you know what that means~ lol but seriously. Baby, you’re my everything.
-sidenote- As I’m trying to write this letter, my mind is everywhere & I really don’t know what order to put my thoughts in. So yeah, bear with me.
But anyways, I love you with all my heart. You don’t know how easy it is for me to smile since I met you. Just thinking of you easily puts a smile on my face, which wasn’t possible before. Hearing your voice & hearing your laugh, is so0o0 amazing, it lights up my fucking world. & being in your arms.. there’s NOTHING better than being in your arms. It makes me feel so safe & loved. Sleeping next to you has changed me. It’s kinda impossible for me to sleep without you now, because like I said, being in your arms is better than anything. Your kisses come second though. Well actually it comes hand and hand. When you kiss me, I get more than just butterflys in my stomach. STILL even after all this time, I mean, we’re about to be three months, but to STILL get butterflys everytime I’m with you, is incredible to me. Like I said, I’ve NEVER EVER EVER felt this way for someone before. I feel sorta speechless, because I’m trying to come up with words to describe to you what I feel, & think, but it’s a little hard. Just a lil’ bit. Lol.
You know what I absolutely love? How I can really be myself around you, I can be really retarded, & laugh about it, because the way you joke around with me. Remember those first few nights you started sneaking over my house? How we would be really cute & cuddly, but we would play fight & laugh & just. UNF, it was the cutest fucking thing, & we still do that now sometimes. & I’ve never had that before so I fucking love it. I love every second I spend with you, & I always wish my time with you could be longer, but It’s alright. Missing you during the week & being able to see you during the weekend is perfect. Because, It makes seeing you more special to me. Every second we’re together, is another second I fall more & more in love with you. You’re so perfect in every fucking way, that’s it’s impossible to even comprehend that shit. Like, I’m really fucking lucky to be with you. You mean so much to me. I’d never give you up, no matter what. You’re all mine, & my heart belongs to you. & that’s how it will ALWAYS be. <3 You’re in every single place in my heart. It probably really gay of me to say, in your mind. Lol, but it’s true baby. I’ve never been able to have the feeling of really being in love, but you changed that. I trust you with everything. I’m always going to be your baby, as you’ll always be mine. <3 We might get mad at eachother, but we always find a way of getting past it, & that means alot to me. Because I couldn’t have that before, you know what happened .-. But anyways, You’re my dream guy, & I don’t know what I would do without you.
Knowing that I’m about 700 miles away from you, really kills me. Because I know, that I wouldn’t be able to see you until the weekends when I’m at home, but that’s better than being this far, because at least I’m closer. I miss you so fucking much, that it drives me crazy when I think about it. I feel like I’ve been gone weeks already. I can’t wait until I see you, So I can hug you & kiss you & not let go for the longest fucking time. I just want & need to be in your arms again. <3
Baby, I love you so fucking much, & I hope it’s a little easier for you to understand the way I feel about you now. But yeah, my mind is everywhereeee & I have no idea what else to write, I guess I’ll save the rest of how I feel for when I see you (; if you get meee~ Anyways, I know this was long, but it’s done now, I just need to find a way to shut the fuck up.
I love you baby <3 with all my heart .
Your love,
Jennifer <3
p.s I hope this sorta made some sense .-. <3
